Christmas Letters From Hell

Who doesn't love to open the mailbox during the holidays and find a newsletter? Whether it's a juicy missive from a college roommate inadvertently revealing her husband's wandering eye, a self-congratulatory account of a cousin's rise to power at the local fast-food joint, or a mind-numbingly detailed account of a year's medical ailments (including photos) from a coworker, they're always entertaining. Christmas Letters from Hell skewers holiday letters of all shapes and sizes, from the ones that come crammed with cheesy graphics or written from the perspective of the recently neutered family dog to those filled with stories of "perfect" family vacations that were clearly anything but. Here Santa uses his holiday letter to let the elves know that he'll be outsourcing to China effective immediately; a bipolar mom tells two very different versions of the year's events; and Osama bin Laden touches base with his high school host family in Minneapolis. Christmas Letters from Hell serves up a steaming, savory blend of the holiday cheer, humor, and twisted truth in our well-intended attempts to stay in touch gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Careful what you ask for, because Lucifer sees you when you’re sleeping. Spies when you’re awake. Knows if you’ve been nauseatingly good, so try to be bad for the devil’s sake. Merry is determined to make Christmas special for her son. He hasn’t spoken or smiled since his father died, so she writes a letter hoping for a holiday miracle. Dear Satan… Her unfortunate error ensures her wish ends up in the wrong place. Worse? Satan answers her plea—after telling Santa where he can shove a candy cane. The devil knows just what Merry needs, and he has the perfect demon for the job. Marduke’s mission is to deliver a hellhound puppy to a little boy, along with some tips on how to avoid getting eaten. What the devil’s kennel master doesn’t expect on this emasculating mission of kindness is Merry. A happy, optimistic woman despite all the strife in her life. It’s disgusting. Annoying. Tempting? Usually, Marduke is all about destroying hopes and dreams—and letting his dogs pee on people while they’re down—but there’s something about Merry… genre: paranormal romantic comedy, demon romance, shapeshifter romance, holiday romance, satan romance, matchmaking, cozy romance, hell romance

Marcy has always said everyone is welcome at her dinner table on Christmas Eve. That was before her youngest daughter brought a new friend home. A friend with horns and a pitchfork. Now Marcy’s mother won’t shut up about how in her day, girls only brought respectable men home for the holidays. Her brother-in-law is making booze-fueled jokes about how they’ll all have a devil of a time tonight. And her husband, off in the clouds as always, is no help. No one at the table is perfect. Least of all Marcy herself. But has she finally found the one guest she can’t open her heart and her home to? This short story is 2700 words long. It is also available in Santa’s Rejects, a collection of offbeat Christmas stories.

NATIONAL BESTSELLER • A debut collection of witty, biting essays laced with a surprising warmth, from Jen Mann, the writer behind the popular blog People I Want to Punch in the Throat People I want to punch in the throat: • anyone who feels the need to bling her washer and dryer • humblebraggers • people who treat their pets like children Jen Mann doesn’t have a filter, which sometimes gets her in trouble with her neighbors, her fellow PTA moms, and that one woman who tried to sell her sex toys at a home shopping party. Known for her hilariously acerbic observations on her blog, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Mann now brings her sharp wit to bear on suburban life, marriage, and motherhood in this laugh-out-loud collection of essays. From the politics of joining a play group, to the thrill of mothers’ night out at the gun range, to the rewards of your most meaningful relationship (the one you have with your cleaning lady), nothing is sacred or off-limits. So the next time you find yourself wearing fuzzy bunny pajamas in the school carpool line or accidentally stuck at a co-worker’s swingers party, just think, What would Jen Mann do? Or better yet, buy her book. Praise for People I Want to Punch in the Throat “People I Want to Punch in the Throat is so good that it’ll make you want to adopt all the cats in the world. I’m not sure about the correlation, but it’s that good. It should come with a warning.”—Jenny Lawson, author of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened “Jen Mann has an amazing way of telling stories that will make you cringe and burst out laughing at the same time. From swinger parties to racist toddlers, she makes the suburbs unbelievably funny.”—Karen Alpert, author of I Heart My Little A-Holes “Jen Mann says the things we’re all too afraid to say. Her honest and hilarious writing style reminds me of David Sedaris and Tina Fey.”—Robin O’Bryant, author of Ketchup Is a Vegetable: And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves “Jen Mann’s shrewd and unrelenting assault on the absurdity of suburban life is an honest peek into the occasional nightmare that is part of living the American dream. I love Jen. I wish she was my neighbor. It’s so refreshing to know that I’m not the only one who wants to punch almost everyone in the f***ing throat.”—Nicole Knepper, author of Moms Who Drink And Swear

In The Christmas Letters, three generations of women reveal their stories of love and marriage in the letters they write to family and friends during the holidays. It's a down-home Christmas story about tradition, family, and the shared experiences of women. Here, in a letter of her own, Lee Smith explains how she was inspired to write this celebrated epistolary novel: Dear Friends, Like me, you probably get Christmas letters every year. I read every word and save every letter. Because every Christmas letter is the story of a life, and what story can be more interesting than the story of our lives? Often, it is the story of an entire family. But you also have to read between the lines with Christmas letters. Sometimes, what is not said is even more important than what is on the page. In The Christmas Letters, I have used this familiar format to illumine the lives, hopes, dreams, and disappointments of three generations of American women. Much of the story of The Christmas Letters is also told through shared recipes. As Mary, my favorite character, says, "I feel as if I have written out my life story in recipes! The Cool Whip and mushroom soup years, the hibachi and fondue period, then the quiche and crepes phase, and now it's these salsa years." I wrote this little book for the same reason I write to my friends and relatives every holiday--Christmas letters give us a chance to remember and celebrate who we are. With warmest greetings, Lee Smith