1001 Dumbest Things Ever Said

A collection of stupid utterances, mostly unintentional--although not always--from politics, show business, sports, and anywhere else people can put their feet in their mouths. Based on recorded history, it's safe to say that dumb remarks have been with us since the invention of writing. Young or old, rich or poor, famous or unknown, people of all generations and cultures have seized the opportunity to say something dumb - stupidity has always been an equal opportunity employer. In celebration of such mental lapses and pure idiocy, here is a collection of stupid utterances, unintentional and otherwise, from the worlds of politics, radio, television, newspapers, show business, sports, and literature - and everywhere else people can - and have - put their feet in their mouths.

Here are1,237 laugh-out-loud quotes, quips, and jokes, all in one packed-to-the-brim volume. Yes, folks, sit back and enjoy this collection of inadvertent gaffes, thigh-slappers, puns, and everything and anything else that'll tickle your funny bone. There’s something old, something new, something stolen, and something blue—from favorite comedians, sports and political figures, and literary wits. There are even giggles for the kids and groaners for the grown-ups. Just a few among the 1,237 funniest things ever said: “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”—Rita Rudner “I don’t know if it’s good for baseball, but it sure beats the hell out of rooming with Phil Rizzuto.”—Yogi Berra on being told that Joe DiMaggio was to marry Marilyn Monroe “I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died.”—Malcolm Forbes “The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then, after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’”—Bill Maher

The Smartest Things Ever Said is a compendium of human wisdom culled from the world’s most celebrated—and sometimes anonymous—minds. From Confucius and Shakespeare to Maya Angelou and Woody Allen, and from Winston Churchill and Thomas Edison to Jeff Bezos and Jane Fonda, it is quite simply the best collection of the smartest quotes ever.

From the dawn of time, horses have been at once our idols and our companions, awakening in us feelings of awe and inspiration while serving as our partners in almost all human endeavors. Philosophers, artists, and writers have sought to describe their--and our--attraction to these magnificent creatures that have become all things to all people. This book will reflect the variety of our fascination with and love of horses, from classic texts of Greek and Roman philosophers, the Bible, and the Koran through Shakespeare, Cervantes, and Dickens to such contemporaries as Clint Eastwood, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, and Mr. Ed.

If you think you've heard every dumb thing they've said or done...think again! Outrageous indulgent, and downright dumb. That's right, we're talking aout the words and deeds committed by politicians, our favorite and least favorite people in the whole world. In this hilarious collections, it's he Democrats who step up to the mike, open their mouths, and insert their collective feet. Democrats do the dumbest things. Just ask any Republican who might wonder how Senator Ted Kennedy, whose legacy may have as much to do with his partying as with his party affiliation, kept his pants on long enough to serve the public. When Ted was photographed atop a twenty-two year old woman on a speed boat, a fellow senator quipped, "Well Teddy, I see you've changed your position on offshore drilling." You'll howl with laughter and wince in pain at the musguided actions, bizarre statements, and embarrassing moments of notable Democrats including Hillary Clinton, Jimmy Carter, Rev. Al B. Sharpton, Ed Koch, Gary Hart, Rev. Jesse Jackson, Jerry Brown, Lyndon Johnson, and of course, Bill Clinton. Find out the latest from presidential campaign 2000--namely what are Al Gore and local Democratic "loonies" doing to keep the "dumb hall of fame" from running out of members? Highlights include: After the Chicago Bulls won their sixth NBA championship in 1998 Vice President Al Gore gushed, "I tell you that Michael Jackson is unbelievable isn't he?" John F. Kennedy had this to say about aging: "There are two naked girls in the room, but I'm sitting here reading The Wall Street Journal. Does that mean I'm getting old?" Washington D.C. mayor Marion Barry once said, "Outside of the killing, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the country." These funny, edgy examinations of crazy political antics are sure to be as controversial as they are entertaining. Democrats will hate them. Republicans will love them. And everyone will want to read more.

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”—Groucho Marx An insult can be offensive and infuriating, but it means nothing if you have a better comeback. 1001 Insults, Put-Downs, and Comebacks gathers together the very sharpest of these barbs from a wide variety of sources, with some of the wickedest put-downs from the literary, political, and entertainment worlds, along with many others.

Perhaps best known for his classic movie lines, such as "Fill your hands, you sons-of-bitches!" from True Grit, the late actor John Wayne often displayed a spontaneous and biting wit when away from the screen as well. When a reporter from the Harvard Crimson sarcastically asked Wayne if he looked at himself as an "American Legend," for example, the Duke replied: "Well, not being a Harvard man, I don't look at myself any more than necessary."

In need of a bit of good advice? Well here is the best advice ever recorded--a compendium of personal tips, traditional proverbs, and clever observations from the literary, political, and entertainment world. The Best Advice Ever Given covers such diverse topics as life, love, success, forgiveness, friendship, character, health, and many more, including: * "Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example."--François de La Rochefoucauld * "The first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want."--Ben Stein * "Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own."--Nelson Algren * "When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen."--Ernest Hemingway * "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."--Oscar Wilde * "The secret of business is to know something nobody else knows."--Aristotle Onassis * "In baiting a mousetrap with cheese, be sure to leave room for the mouse."--H. H. Munro ("Saki") * "Keep cool; anger is not an argument."--Daniel Webster * "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig."--Source Unknown * "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."--John F. Kennedy * "If someone offers you a breath mint, accept it."--H. Jackson Brown * "In the fight between you and the world, back the world."--Franz Kafka

A nasty insult (is there any other kind?) can be offensive and infuriating, but we’ve all had those moments when we’ve employed one or just wished we had come up with the perfect nasty thing to say. Even better, having the perfect comeback to one of these rude remarks brings us all the personal satisfaction in the world. The Nastiest Things Ever Said gathers together the very sharpest of these barbs from a wide variety of sources with some of the wickedest put-downs from the literary, political, and entertainment worlds, and everywhere else people say nasty things to each other.